I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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