suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
