My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
