Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I smell stomach acid.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
