Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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