She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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