So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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