Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
