if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
