The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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