Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
