well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
