don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
