Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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