Well now I have my semen on her headphones
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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