Don't make out with my wife yet
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
