Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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