You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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