Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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