My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
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