sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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