found the other keg... it's in the tree
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
