i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
