I am puke
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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