I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
