It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
