mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
