If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
