Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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