i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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