In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize