im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
