"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
