please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Randomize
