Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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