the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize