My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
