I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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