she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
