Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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