dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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