I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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