I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
