I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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