I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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