i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
