sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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