Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
