i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
