your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
