Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize