Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
