12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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