just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
His nipple licking is glorious
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