So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize